Who is guilty of digging for compliments? Who is guilty of flirting with a man just so you can feel worthy when he flirts back? Who is confident about who they are? And when I say confident I dont mean telling yourself over and over again "I am a good person, I am a good person, I am a good person..." I have been for the last five or six months telling myself that I love myself, that I am worthwhile etc etc. For the most part I have been able to make myself believe it.
Everyone has different ways of dealing with their insecurites. Some people dig for compliments, some people act like pompous asses when in reality they have insecurities just like the rest of us. Some people are accutely aware of their imperfections and therefore go through some sort of self-hatred.
Id have to say I have probably done some sort of all of these things. Digging for compliments... Done. acting like a pompous ass...done (in some way shape or form.) The self hatred part.... I am a professional. When we do these things we are completely self involved. completely selfish... thinking that all we need is some sort of recognition that we are in fact good enough. we are pretty enough. we are nice enough. We dont think of other people involved. We just need our recognition. When in fact we could be hurting someone. We could be driving away a friend. We could use our insecurities as an excuse to become completely and totally alone.
So the question is does anyone out there not have any insecurities? I have so many I have lost count.... im fat.. im needy.. im ugly... im too open.. im too loose... im this im that im just not good enough. The truth is everyone has insecurities. Everyone feels judged at some points in their lives. It can lead people to do things they will regret. Then you can't blame anyone but yourself. It was your fault this time. You cant blame the other person. So if we all have insecurities... do they ever go away? From what I can tell.. no. I mean my 85 year old grandma doesnt seem to have many insecurities... but do we have to wait that long to be freed from these nagging questions in our head? I think yes. Everyone will always have insecurities. The trick is, as you grow you will learn how to handle your insecurities. You won't feel a need to drink them away... or get someone to give you a compliment... or flirt with someone who you hope will flirt back. (At least this is what I hope.) Until you are old and free of all insecurities you will continue to make mistakes, but the mistakes will be fewer and fewer in between. Until then fess up to the mistakes you have made. REALIZE where you went wrong. It is a good lesson to not do it again. It may make you upset to understand how many things you did out of utter insecure greed and vanity. At least you can know and then move on.
The friends in your life are important. They love you for who you are. They wont leave unless they are given a reason to leave. Dont give them a reason to leave. You WILL miss them. It will HURT.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Finding Prince Charming
We have all been taught to find our Prince Charming. This is what will set you free. If you find the love of your life you will be eternally happy. This is what we are led to believe through movies and books and media in general. I feel like from the time we are 12 years old we are looking for THE one. Everyone remembers the "couples" in 7th and 8th grade. So and So is dating so and so. You look back and realize they stood as far away from each other as possible and never touched each other... no kisses no holding hands.. hardly any talking. But in spite of how stupid that relationship seems now it was what all of us wanted back in seventh and eighth grade. From then on we are looking for that one that will change our lives. The one we will spend the rest of our lives living for. Do we really need a boy to change our lives?
I remember my first crush in High School. I didn't even know the guy. I knew he was not ever going to be with me but I crushed on him not because he was anything amazing, but because that is what a girl is supposed to do. They are supposed to have a crush. So I did. I talked about his butt and how sweet I thought he was, but it was all mindless banter. He hardly knew I existed and in all honesty I wouldn't have known how to have a boyfriend in high school. I hardly knew how to make and uphold a friendship.
I went to college and suddenly finding the love of my life stopped being my priority. I was across the country in a foreign place with no one that I knew and I hardly knew myself. I had jumped into the deep end without really realizing how deep the water really was. HA! That first year was a tough one. Didn't think I would be making it back.
There was one thing that made it impossible for me not to go back. I had made true friends. The type that are life longers.. The kind I had never had before. My mom urged me not to go back. She hates me being on the other side of the country. But it wasn't about the school to me it felt natural to go back to where I had made friends even if I had hard times.
Before second semester junior year I had my fair share of potential boys. Guys that broke my heart. Guys where I broke their hearts. Never anything serious just potentials. Then it was the beginning of the roller coaster ride. I went to Spain. For some reason the rules that applied to me in the States did not apply to me in Spain. My parents told me I was being reckless. For some reason I didn't care. I was living. I wasn't looking for my one and only person. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or even for a really good friend. I was there to feel sad and mad and happy and exhilarated. I was there to live my life and find myself. No matter how corny that sounds it is true. I had my lowest lows there as well as my highest highs. I had never felt so confused and alone. At the same time I had never felt so free and relaxed.
I went straight from Spain to work at Fowler and straight from Fowler back to School. I am now back home. After a year. The roller coaster ride is over for the moment and the result is irreplaceable. I haven't found the man of my dreams. I haven't found the person who makes me weak in my knees. I have found who I am. I have become comfortable with being alone and with being me. This is more important than any man. It is so much more important than the crush I had in high school or the potential boy friends I have had throughout my college career. Without knowing who you are it is impossible to live. Even if you do have a boy. As for a husband and a life in the future (kids, a career, etc.) I know I will find it. I will find the man of my dreams. The man who loves me and cares about me. The man who I love for every part of him including his faults. He will come. Until then I will live. I have so many opportunities to take advantage of, so many adventures to go on. Don't be afraid of finding who you are. You will like the person no matter what. If someone doesn't like the person you have found within you then BFD (Big F***in Deal). Find someone who will accept you for the person you truly are. The key is to find the true you and accept it fully and whole heartedly. This is what will set you free.
I remember my first crush in High School. I didn't even know the guy. I knew he was not ever going to be with me but I crushed on him not because he was anything amazing, but because that is what a girl is supposed to do. They are supposed to have a crush. So I did. I talked about his butt and how sweet I thought he was, but it was all mindless banter. He hardly knew I existed and in all honesty I wouldn't have known how to have a boyfriend in high school. I hardly knew how to make and uphold a friendship.
I went to college and suddenly finding the love of my life stopped being my priority. I was across the country in a foreign place with no one that I knew and I hardly knew myself. I had jumped into the deep end without really realizing how deep the water really was. HA! That first year was a tough one. Didn't think I would be making it back.
There was one thing that made it impossible for me not to go back. I had made true friends. The type that are life longers.. The kind I had never had before. My mom urged me not to go back. She hates me being on the other side of the country. But it wasn't about the school to me it felt natural to go back to where I had made friends even if I had hard times.
Before second semester junior year I had my fair share of potential boys. Guys that broke my heart. Guys where I broke their hearts. Never anything serious just potentials. Then it was the beginning of the roller coaster ride. I went to Spain. For some reason the rules that applied to me in the States did not apply to me in Spain. My parents told me I was being reckless. For some reason I didn't care. I was living. I wasn't looking for my one and only person. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or even for a really good friend. I was there to feel sad and mad and happy and exhilarated. I was there to live my life and find myself. No matter how corny that sounds it is true. I had my lowest lows there as well as my highest highs. I had never felt so confused and alone. At the same time I had never felt so free and relaxed.
I went straight from Spain to work at Fowler and straight from Fowler back to School. I am now back home. After a year. The roller coaster ride is over for the moment and the result is irreplaceable. I haven't found the man of my dreams. I haven't found the person who makes me weak in my knees. I have found who I am. I have become comfortable with being alone and with being me. This is more important than any man. It is so much more important than the crush I had in high school or the potential boy friends I have had throughout my college career. Without knowing who you are it is impossible to live. Even if you do have a boy. As for a husband and a life in the future (kids, a career, etc.) I know I will find it. I will find the man of my dreams. The man who loves me and cares about me. The man who I love for every part of him including his faults. He will come. Until then I will live. I have so many opportunities to take advantage of, so many adventures to go on. Don't be afraid of finding who you are. You will like the person no matter what. If someone doesn't like the person you have found within you then BFD (Big F***in Deal). Find someone who will accept you for the person you truly are. The key is to find the true you and accept it fully and whole heartedly. This is what will set you free.
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