From Sevilla to Fowler

When Jenna White first asked if I would take her spot in the kitchen at Fowler Camp and Retreat Center I laughed and gave her a look of confusion. Then realized she was serious. I remember later that night talking to a close friend about it all and he said to me, "Anyone can be a leader if they are put in the position and not given a choice." Now although that was not all that convincing because even if someone is a leader it doesnt mean that they will be a good leader; it got me thinking. I dont have all that much experience as any kind of leader. Was never the president of any club, or in student politics. I was always the follower not the one setting the example to follow. I think this is the aspect that scared me the most. I can ask questions really well, but when it comes to anwering them I dont trust myself enough to say yes or no in any quick manner. This is why when I am in fact asked a question a lot of the time the person asking walks away and waits for me to get back to them. Otherwise they would watch me stand there blank faced staring away from them thinking really hard about the answer and the reason behind it. (Its not a pretty sight, especially at 6 in the morning) Why did I say yes? Especially with the pressure to make sure I didnt let anyone down (Jenna, Austin, Kent to name a few) Another aspect going against me was Cornell University. The Hotel School looked down upon working for such a small organization. They told me it would look better on my resume if I worked for a big corporation in a lower position. Let me remind you of something: I want to open a bakery/cafe. My goal in life is not to make millions by managing a big name chain. Instead I want to manage my own place. If that means being less wealthy so be it. This means I dont need big names on my resume. I need management experience. I need to take hold of the opportunities presented to me, and get ready to follow the asperations I have had since I was eight years old. If this means going against The Hotel School, again so be it. (yes this was in fact a rant)
So lets get back to the point. Why did I say yes? Because I love Jenna? Because I am way to optimistic? You want to know a secret.... I still dont know what exactly I was thinking when I said yes. Partly I wanted to keep Jenna's traditions alive. She is amazing and spent ten years of  her life making a system that is just about flawless for the kitchen. People ask me if I have changed somethings, if there are new recipes etc and I say to them, "why change something that is already good?" Cant really argue with that can you? Jenna took ten years to make that kitchen what it is today. For me to start changing it in the second year being at Fowler and first year being Head Cook would be foolish. To keep JENNAS kitchen HER kitchen was one reason I took the job.Another reason was to prove to myself and I guess some others that I could actually take a position with that amount of stress and responsibility and  be successful. (I feel I have proved it to myself) Someone said to me the other day (he caught me crying) "you should be proud." I looked at him and said, "I am proud, I am just stressed." That was the truth. Now saying that means I am proud of myself, of what I have done. (Thats a concept I know) People also ask me whether or not this is worth the stress and anxiety. I say, I may cry, I may scream, I may be completely worn out, but I would never want to be anywhere else. I am proving to myself that I can do a job like this. It will be stressful. There are days when I dont want to get out of bed, when I would rather quit. But its all worth it. I have learned so much from this experience and would never trade it in for anything else. Its made me a little more confident, feel a little bit more worth my own love and other people's love and support. (I would never be able to do this without the support I have gotten. The willingness of everyone to continue to console a freaked out human being.) I also got taught by the mastermind behind this kitchen which helps out a lot ;)
So there it is. I have succeeded (knock on wood) at running a kitchen. I have made myself proud which is a bigger accomplishment than ever making anyone else proud because I am my own worst critic and my own worst enemy. Although it may seem like I am unhappy here sometimes the truth is this job is making me love me. Is that weird to say? It makes me feel worth something. This has been the biggest challenge in my life thus far (to love me, and to like who I am). Therefore this job has helped me overcome my largest challenge. Although I will continue to struggle with stuff in my life (because life is never easy) this has taught me how make life manageable. That is saying a lot about this job. But it is true. Go on question it. Question what I say in this post. Then talk to me ask me about life in general about everything. See if you can see a difference in me. Have I changed? I bet you anything you will notice a change. It will be subtle but it will be there. :)