"and then you just laugh and its all good again."

its ironic that i am writing this post at this time. well actually its already writen  i am just copying down what is written in my notebook already.
Currently sitting in the gardens of the Alcazar, journalling. (you know no big deal). Except it is a very big deal. Sheesh who would have thunk it. this place would become a place to study. its just your every day normal PALACE. I have more written in my journal but i am just going to cut to the chase.
So now lets get to the heart of the matter. This may be somewhat racey. You may end up thinking I am vein. I am going to write it anyways. I am sure I will apologize later. I am 5'8" and about 140 pounds (although I havent weighed weighed myself for a while, everything seems to be fitting me pretty well.) I have long blond hair with big blue eyes that are somewhat striking. I have biggish boobs, a small waste and long ass legs. Although some of these things are personally very annoying (ex: big boobs for a runner not convenient.) they would be considered attractive. I dont wear tons of make up. in fact I rarely wear any, my legs are NOT shaven every three days and my eyebrows do whatever the fuck they want to do. 145 pounds may seem like a lot but I think I am thin with toned arms and legs and a stomach (sometimes). I think I am physically attractive. and so do the spanish construction workers who stop whatever they are doing to hoot and hollar and rate me. "Diez, Diez, Diez!!" they say. Dont get me wrong I dont sit here and tell myself all of the time that I am beautiful, and neither do other people. I mean my mom and grandma do. But if they sat there and said I was butt ugly that would give me an even bigger complex I think. All of these words above are reaffirming it for myself. I AM BEAUTIFUL. This for some reason is not as fulfilling as I would have hoped. Being physically attractive is limitedly fulfilling. There are people who straighten my hair and do my make up and tell me, "Look you are so beautiful." and I think to myself, "what i wasnt before?" I know they dont mean it that way. Its the norm to wear makeup so of course I am gonna be "beautiful" with it on. You are supposed to cover up all your blemishes. (all the things that make you human.) So my blemishes make me ugly? No, they make me real. I am 20 years old and I have smile lines. Should I be ashamed and cover them up? No. I should be proud of my stupid smile lines. It means I am for the most part happy. People tell me to be more superficial. (I tend to scare people sometimes with my straightforwardness.) Shocker.
This is where this is headed. The other day one of my professors here gave me a compliment. I was in baggy jeans, and a shirt that was nothing special. My hair was not brushed... surprise, surprise. It was the day of the prelim so i was all in all A wreck. When handing the prelim in I did my normal smile giggle and Judy stops me and says, "Hannah you are particularly beautiful today.." I look at myself and she continues, " you have this glow about you. and you seem so happy." She had witnessed an encounter with me and another teacher where i was my normal and awkward and laughy self. She made a comment about it. This is a bigger compliment than someone telling me that i look like a blond Angelina Jolee. or that they want my legs. She complimented who I am. She saw a small glimpse of the real me. and thought it was beautiful. I know my body is good. I run and run and run some more. If my self esteem issues were in that department I would wear makeup or shave my legs... more. The self esteem issues occur when I start wondering. Lets face it. I am a good person. I am interesting, smart, down to earth, selfless, endearing (now i really sound vein. Oh BROTHER!) So why dont I believe this? Who would I be if I didnt apologize all of the time? IF i didnt laugh when i am anxious, embarassed, sad, and oh yeah happy? If I take away all the insecurities, I take away half of who I am. Then what? What do I fill that half up with? Who will I turn into if I suddenly like myself? vein, selfish, uncaring? who knows. Being insecure is my security blanket. its the way I comfort myself. When I apologize someone says why are you apologizing and i know that what i was doing is ok. I am upfront because I am afraid that people will notice all of my flaws so I mind as well tell them. (when in reality they wouldnt have noticed). So what do I do? How do I stay confident and believe that what i say and do and who I am is all good enough? If I stop being insecure I cant rely on people saying that its ok. I need to rely on myself to tell me that its ok. How do i do that? How  the hell do I go about doing that? SHEESH. another deep thought blog entry. its ok. dont be scared... next one is Portugual. I know I already said that. but it really is this time. I am starting it right.... NOW!